꩜ Shame vs. Pride for Change? 

It’s far too common that people hold onto shame, sometimes on purpose, as a strategy to motivate change.  

Maybe you’ve seen talk show hosts like Dr. Phil on TV chastising and shaming people until they cry and feel horrible. In those moments, the person genuinely expresses a desire to change and do better. The audience claps as though making someone feel self-disgust will suddenly make them a better parent. It’s as though people think that if you feel ashamed you suddenly develop a new skill set and have healed your own wounds. Shame is not a magic wand. 

There’s a couple of problems with this shame and guilt strategy. 

First, it’s abusive and counterproductive. Making yourself or others feel like you are less than as a person is never okay. As a trauma therapist, I spend a lot of time helping to undo the damage caused by imposed shame. My goal is to help the person develop a sense of pride that replaces shame, not to hold onto shame.  

How do you want to feel as you grow? 

I strongly believe that pride is a prerequisite towards self-love and worth. Shame blocks pride. If you don’t respect and find value in yourself, you may not think you are worth the effort to change. You may think you inherently are not good enough.  

You try to avoid these feelings in unhealthy ways. This creates a downward spiral of shame leading to maladaptive behaviors, and maladaptive behaviors causing more shame. Sound familiar? 

Secondly, shame is a short-term motivator. The motivation tends to leave when the active feeling of shame is gone. Shame may linger inside, but when you stop thinking about feeling ashamed, you stop being motivated.  

However, when pride is the motivator, then you like the feeling so much you crave it. You want more, so you do more things that make you proud. That’s what research shows leads to lasting change and growth.  

So, does shame serve any purpose in making change?  

Actually, yes, it can.  

Shame can be a message that we are off track with who we want to be. We have determined our patterns are not okay, and we make a change or seek help. At that point, you’ve addressed the shame. As long as you stay on track, shame no longer serves a purpose.  

This doesn’t mean waiting until you reach a goal to let go of shame. The shame will wear you down and ruin all the joy you could feel during your metamorphosis.   

It’s when we hold onto shame that it becomes unhealthy. 

Oftentimes the reason you can’t let go of shame is because shame isn’t warranted in the first place. Someone at some point decided that you should feel shame based on their values and expectations. They took away permission for you to enjoy being the healthy, true you. 

Imagine a life where pride replaces shame. A life where you decide what is right and take credit for proudly living that life. 

If you are ready to ride the pride train and make real, lasting change, book now or try a free 15-minute consultation.